theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
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