the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
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