Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Drake has all the answers
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
