Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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