Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I just found puke in my bra..
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
