I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
