Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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