Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
