I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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