I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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