so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
