I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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