i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
Fav 3 1048 608 share tweet
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Randomize
