Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Randomize
