I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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