im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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