Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
