I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
