The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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