all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
