Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
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