is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
as a side note pls kill me
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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