when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Randomize
