my shit smells like andre
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
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He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
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we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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