Your face is a jimmy john
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
