I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
