dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
