textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
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