guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
