I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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