I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
