I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
