So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
