you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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