listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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