I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
