My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
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