So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Randomize
