I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Randomize
