I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
he was CRYING into my vagina
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Randomize
