I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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