If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I'm both gender and math confused
Randomize
