You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
