Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
