the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
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I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
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I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
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