I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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