i just wanna soil my oats bro
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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