Christians are straight up FREAKS
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
