I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
