Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
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