i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Randomize
