happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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