I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
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