In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
