Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Randomize
