"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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