I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
