Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
