I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
