Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
