R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
